10 rules to surviving a zombie apocalypse at your company.
Watch your ass...and your brain, with LEON's 10 rules for surviving a zombie apocalypse at your company.
Zombie employees have become a widespread hazard. It can be prevented through vigilance and LEON. Know these 10 rules so you too can survive a zombie apocalypse at your company.
Number One: Reduce Burnout!
Are your employees eyes glassed over and red from extreme Zoom exposure? Maybe they are experiencing Zombie Burnout! Rule number one for surviving a zombie apocalypse is to chop the head off of employee burnout for good. Why? Because let's face it, tired employees can't run fast, and the sick ones usually eat each other.
Number Two: Improve Grit
Rule number two is improving grit, and a tell tale sign of a grit-less zombie is to look at their walk. After almost two years of sitting on their ass working from home, these types of zombies have had full-on loss of their legs resulting in that stereotypical zombie “crypt walk” (and not the cool, Thriller walk). We need survivors who are focused on winning the race.
Number Three: Be Adaptable.
The skin. The skin of a zombie will appear pale. The finger tips may even be worn down from that micro-managing ass manager, who demands you respond to the 1000's of Slack messages he sends daily. Resilience is the key to keeping your brains.
Number Four: No more "Culture Fit"
Listen, we know you love the startup "bro" you always hire, but it's a proven fact that zombies love their taste. That Patagonia fleece vest, the non-stop listening to Joe Rogan, and the never ending discussion about Unicorns, moon shots and bitcoin. That shit is tasty.
Number Five: Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help.
Or you could wait until HR decides to send that f*cking yearly engagement survey, and for the founder or CEO to talk about "family" like he just rode in from watching Fast and the Furious #2785, where somehow they bring zombie Paul Walker back to life to take on the Intergalactic Empire.
Number Six: Limber Up, and Get Fit.
A muscle cramp while a pack of wild zombies in fleece vests, worn by the aforementioned startup “bro” you always hire, is a death sentence. And before you bring it up, HR team…just because a quick “Power Vinyasa” in the kitchen worked to curb the amount of times you wanted to cry in the bathroom, doesn’t mean it will work for your entire company. That includes “Big Ben”, the 255 pound accountant who is a diehard Colts fan who can’t touch his toes if his promotion depended on it and who is suffering from a bad anger problem that he really needs to go to therapy for.
Number Seven: Forget the Kombucha.
Ginger and hibiscus...Zombies love that shit. Not to mention, it's wonderful for gut health.
Number Eight: Get your Ping Pong Paddles Ready, bro.
Finally a good use for those damn things. May be used in self defense, or sharpened to make a shiv to knife those ugly bastards in the neck. Who knows.
Number Nine: Watch Your Ass.
Every combat pilot is familiar with the life-saving mantra, “Check Your Six”. The most vulnerable spot on an aircraft is directly behind it at the pilot’s “Six O’clock”. “Check Your Six” is a very military way of saying, “Keep your eyes on your ass so you don’t lose it”. LEON likes your ass and we want you to keep it. We’re even willing to watch it for you. We have Samurai Swords, Jason Voorhees machetes and Elon Musk Flame throwers if some zombies want to step.
Number Ten: Get the Antidote.
If you want to prevent a zombie apocalypse with LEON you’ve come to the right place. This product is littered with more bells and whistles than a zombie-proof Tesla and, for the next 30-days, your managers can give it a whirl without you spending so much as a dime. Sign up today!